My mother has been on my mind a whole lot for some reason these past few weeks. (Mom passed away Jan. 06) I guess I've been doing some soul-searching and such...wondering why I am the way I am. I'm still dealing, I guess, with the fact that my mom and I never got along. Of course now it's too late and it's all behind me. But not really. I feel like there is a part of me that is
broken or lost...yearning to know what I did to make her dislike me so much. I tried so hard to please her, but truly, nothing I did was ever good enough. If I got an "A" she complained that I should have gotten an "A+". I get the whole psychology crapola...it will just make me try harder...it's for my own good. That attitude continued into my adulthood. I tried so hard to be a perfect person, wife, mother and all she did was complain, find fault and degrade me. I can't tell you how many times she disowned for from the family for years at a time. When I married the boys' dad, my family did not even attend the wedding. His father walked me down the aisle. As a result, I think that I have been on a never-ending quest for approval from everyone/anyone. All I really should care about is how I feel about me, myself and I...

When I hear this song, it makes me cry, cause it reminds me of my relationship with my mother.

"Because of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I have really tried to be the mother to my boys that I wish that I had. I don't ever want them to feel the way that I did. My mother / father, didn't know anything about me...didn't really care to I guess. I live and breath for my boys. I want to know and experience everything about their lives. The last several years have been a process of loosening the apron strings and letting them learn about life through experiences not just "because I said so". I love and respect every like, dislike and difference about them. I may not agree or like all of their decisions, but they are old enough now to see for themselves. The sooner they learn the life lessons, the better prepared they will be for the real world. I've always been a very liberal and open minded mother.

I love my boys so much and I never want them to doubt or question my unwavering and infinite love and devotion for them.

Truly.