If you haven't been able to tell, I like to keep my posts light and hopefully a little entertaining. I'm about to get a bit serious, so if you no like, no read.

I just found out yesterday that my father...my Papa has Emphysema, or COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. Damn! For those of you out there that don't know anything about Emphysema or COPD:

emphysema (ěm'fĭ-sē'mə)
Irreversible expansion of the alveoli with eventual destruction of alveolar tissue, causing obstruction to airflow. Patients with emphysema often have labored breathing, wheezing, chronic fatigue, and increased susceptibility to infection, and may require oxygen therapy. Long-term smoking is a common cause of emphysema.

I lost my mother just last year due to this disease. It's not a pretty thing. It's so painful to see the person that you always knew as lively and vibrant turn into a virtual vegetable. I guess more painful is knowing that inside, they still are that lively and vibrant person...how "trapped" that must make a person feel.

My mother and I were never very close. That's a fact that has always been hurtful me, believe it or not, more so now that she has passed on. I guess because we never resolved the situation and I never got to find out why.

My Papa...now there's a totally different situation. We have always been close. We had a bond from the very start. You know, "Daddy's Lil' Girl". What's different about our circumstance is that Papa is my Step-Father. He came into our lives when I was 7 or 8 years old. The rest is history. I started calling him "Papa" when I was a freshman in high school and taking German. I wanted a name that would set him apart from just a regular dad. To me, he wasn't a regular dad. He was and is my Papa. Well, everyone else in the family picked it up and now he is known by one and all as Papa, children and grandchildren alike.

Brick wall...that's what it felt like I hit when I heard that Papa has Emphysema/COPD. I know he's not immortal...I know he's 74 years old...I love everyone in my life with great passion and with every fiber of my being, but there are four that I would lay down my life for...Trey, Spencer, Clay and my Papa. I don't want anyone to hurt, be sad, depressed...anything bad. I worry so much about Papa and this condition. Papa was my mother's main care-giver. He was the one taking care of her day in and day out. Papa was the ONLY one that truly watched my mother's health declining on a daily basis. He knows what to expect. OMG! I don't know what's worse? Not quite knowing or knowing completely. That saying: "Ignorance is Bliss" comes into play here, I think. I hate that for him. Emotionally, Papa is not the strongest person in the world. He may sound like it through words, but I know his words are a facade.

Sorry for the downer post.

I love my Papa.